Day 10: Working for Suits

Had job interview today. Decide soul is burning when interviewer says for fourth time, "we're a bottom line corporation, and we're all about revenue." When asked about three-year-plan, skip professional jargon and say happiness. When asked about constant data entry, mention bleeding eyes. Somehow, this makes interviewer laugh and smile; answers are dubbed fresh and honest. Once home, quickly depart on a non-competitive, non-salaried nine-mile run along the lakeshore, where no one is outsourced, makes a business metaphor out of the clouds, or yells directions from speakerphone. Three miles in, get chased by surly Canada Goose with its tongue sticking out. Later, pass a beached, headless pigeon. Take this as sign that A) revenue is for the birds, and B) birds are pretty weird, and also kind of scary.

Day 8: What Happens When You Major in English

At party, concoct grand scheme to crash university lectures around the city with new friend. This plan is good, because degrees are expensive. Knowledge, however, can be free, if you find a lecture hall large enough.

Day 6: Reduce Grocery Bill

Decide to shop exclusively at local Dollar Tree. This could be a mistake. Local Dollar Tree appears to only sell Bah Mitzvah banners, Kit Kat bars, and a drink called "Fizzzzz!"

Day 5: When Hunger Strikes

Realize Wednesday night's heart-thumping love of life was related to excessive coffee consumption when find self awake at 4:30 a.m. Suddenly painfully, mind-numbingly hungry, raid kitchen for snacks. Come across block of cheese and crackers. Wait, not enough crackers. Eat block of cheese and next best thing, croutons. This is new. Not so bad. Eat entire block of cheese with croutons while reading Sherman Alexie piece on health care and diabetes. Decide not to top off meal with high fructose corn syrup sugar pop topped with sugar. Wonder briefly if sleep will ever come again.

Day 4: Somebody's Dreams Got Crushed Today

For some inexplicable reason, set alarm for 6 a.m. Put on pants and walk to Lake Michigan. Take no photographs of value, but feel good about life, until glimpse is caught of baby bluebird, stomped to death on walking path. Mourn for humanity.

Day 3: Matchmaking with Saul

Go to landlord's office to plead case for shorter lease, lowered rent. Admire array of mismatched furniture reminiscent of friend's grandma's sitting room while landlord is on phone. Is ushered into office by landlord. Proceed to have the following conversation:

Saul: You live off the alley?
Me: Yes. And I love the apartment. I'm very happy there.
Saul: Good, good. Of course. I am glad.
Me: But I just lost my job.
Saul: [Begins to laugh, steady, and then hard, enough so that his whole body shakes.]
Me: [Silence]
Saul: You know, I just went into the car shop and asked for used tires. They said, 'Why you want used tires?'
Me: Oh?
Saul: So it is a hard time. You want rich husband?
Me:[laughs.]
Saul: Do you want me to find him, or do you want to find him yourself?
Me: [following along] I ... [laughs]  uh ... I will find him myself.
Saul: OK.
Me: But I want to like him ...
Saul: Yes, that has become important.
Me: I can't marry someone for money.
Saul: So what can I do for you?
Me: Well, I'd like to live month-to-month. I don't feel comfortable signing a year lease.
Saul: If you move out in December, not so easy to find new tenant. I give you March. If you move out in March, easy to find tenant.
Me: So ...
Saul: Stay until March. Find this rich husband.
Me: What if I, say, get a job offer in Colorado in November?
Saul: So you go in November. Just don't go in December.
 [Marcie, the administrative assistant, enters with an envelope.]
Marcie: [Lays envelope on desk.] Jerome's here.
Saul: I'll be with him.
Marcie: I know!
[Jermone enters the room. He's thin, in his mid-80s, and wearing a brown jogging suit and sunglasses.]
Saul: Jerome, listen to this ...
Jerome: I can't stay.
Saul: No? What's the matter with you?
Jerome: My back is killing me. My goddamn back.
Saul: Want me to take you out to lunch?
Jerome: I need to go. I need rest. I can't get peace.
Saul: [Motions to me] Would you believe, Jerome, this beautiful girl can't pay her rent. We need to find her a rich husband.
Jerome: Oh yeah? Find me a rich wife. I gotta go. My goddamn back. 
[Jerome leaves with Marcie.] 
Saul: You can be a secretary somewhere?
Me: Yeah, sure, but ...
Saul: You don't think you can do it?
Me: Oh, no I can ...
Saul: Can you type?
Me: Yes.
Saul: Can you use a computer?
Me: Yes.
Saul: Can you address envelopes?
Me: I can!
Saul: So that is something you could do!

Day 2: Remorse

In effort to have final hurrah before entering life of poverty and low self-esteem, spend $24 on beer. Use ladies restroom at Qdoba without buying food or drink; sucumb to subsequent civic guilt.

Day 1: Gluttony

Friend cooks dinner feast. Proceed to eat four servings. End up in kitchen ladeling large helpings of pie into mouth with wooden cooking spoon while others are on the balcony, smoking.