What Happens When You're At the Bar and It's Your Birthday

There is a great uniter out there, and it is called the "birthday phenomenon." I believe if more people celebrated their birthdays out in the open, there would be more peace and understanding and friendship in the world. Think about it. Have you ever sang "Happy Birthday" for a complete stranger? Check. When you notice it's somebody's birthday, do you get excited and enthusiastically cheer for them even if they're just passing you on the street with a posse of balloons and kazoos and clowns? CHECK. Giving a birthday shout out is ridiculously easy; even the laziest lazy lazy man can participate. Who needs UN peace talks when you can buy Hamas a birthday cake and a shot of Bacardi?

I'd like to give this theory some credibility, and feel it might be easiest to do so by describing a few encounters I had this weekend. It should be noted that when it's your birthday, the bar becomes a place where somehow a lot of people find out your name, and then yell it at you in regular intervals. I have also chosen to highlight the following incidents because they go with the theme of "confusing."

Round 1

Girl I don't know: Emily!

[She motions to me with her index finger. I walk over to her.]

Girl I don't know: Hi! Will you help me with something?

Me: [solidarity!] Sure! What's up?

[Girl I do not know leads me into the women's bathroom. She locks the door, faces me, and takes off her shirt.]

Me: … Is everything OK?

Round 2

Guy Who Is Unquestionably Gay: So where are you from?
Me: I live a few blocks away. This is my 'hood!
Guy Who Is Unquestionably Gay: What have you been up to?
Me: I've just been spending the day with my friends, who are awesome!
Guy Who Is Unquestionably Gay: Can I buy you a drink?
Me: Oh, hey! Sure! Thanks, man!
Guy Who Is Unquestionably Gay:  Oh, Emily. Emily?
Me: Yeah?
Guy Who Is Unquestionably Gay:I need to tell you something.
Me: What's that?
Guy Who Is Unquestionably Gay: Well, I should just tell you that I'm engaged to be married, so...
Me: Oh, cool!  … OH! Oh! No, I didn't think you were —
Guy Who Is Unquestionably Gay: — to a man!
Me: Yeah! Yeah! I mean ... I know! I mean, that's awesome! No! I mean, I didn't think you were hitting on me or anything! Don't worry! Congrats! Where are you going to get married?
Guy Who Is Unquestionably Gay: Am I that obvious? [Sticks out hand.] Come with me. Meet my partner.
[We walk to another table; introductions are had.]
Guy Who Is Unquestionably Gay: [Leans in, puts his hand on my waist, and whispers in my ear.] So, we just started having threesomes.

Round 3

Man alone at the bar, drinking whiskey all night: Emily, right?
Me: Yeah!
Man alone at the bar, drinking whiskey all night: It's your birthday.
Me: Yes!
Man alone at the bar, drinking whiskey all night: Can I buy you a shot?
Me: Oh, thanks, but I don't really need one! Thank you though!
Man alone at the bar, drinking whiskey all night: Where do you live?
Me: Oh, around here actually! [I point out the window to nothing in particular.]
Man alone at the bar, drinking whiskey all night: Right. But … where exactly do you live?


On second thought, my theory should probably be scrapped.