Occasionally I have trouble falling asleep at night. I'm not sure why, but I've a feeling it goes beyond the fact that I let strangers sleep on my couch, or because I accidentally eat lots of Adderall before bed — I can explain those things! Besides, this is not a platform for whining. People who share beds with large and confused somnambulists would rightfully find this kind of insomnia inconsequential and unadventurous — assertions to which I'd acquiesce politely by averting my gaze from what can only be described as their attention whoring black eyes and butter knife lacerations. Then, once everyone has calmed down and lowered those heavy pewter desk lamps, I would agree that sleep is one of the best activities on the planet — anything that interrupts it is an enemy to be squashed!! That's when I pull out a large sheet of butcher paper from my backpack and walk them through a series of my favorite sleepytime brain games.
REM = Ridiculously Exhausted Man
First, sleep-inducing strategies should be detailed and repetitive. In this game, I like to pretend people's initials are actually acronyms for random phrases. For example, my initials are E.A.B. While waiting for sleep, I might imagine the following:
1. Ecstasy-addled bowlers
2. Erratic anthropomorphized badgers
3. Excited adolescent boys
Next, I would use the same initials to explain how these subjects are:
1. euphoric about bicycling
2. enraged around bagels
3. excluded at Bar Mitzvah
Finally, I round out my setting or plot line by manipulating the subject to:
1. exit a brauhaus
2. enter a bakery
3. examine adult's boobs
By the time any erratic anthropomorphized badgers enter a bakery and go crazy due to their overwhelming hatred of bagels, you'll be fast asleep. Later, when your sleepwalking partner wakes you on his way to pee in the closet, you'll be thankful, because you were just having really scary nightmares.
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