Luckily for the thrill seeker in all of us (besides me personally, as I don't have health insurance, and all the people who vehemently hate thrill), Disney has debuted a new, design-your-own ride at Epcot Center called "The Sum of All Thrills." Evidently, this ride was named by Michael Bay, perhaps in consort with Tom Clancy. The description by John Sutter on CNN.com states: "sitting in a carriage with their legs and arms outside the ride, kids watch a video version of their ride while the arm moves them from side to side and up and down to stimulate the feeling of a real roller coaster. Fans blow air at the riders at various speeds to give people the sensation that they're moving forward."
Now, honestly, this is fantastic. I've been looking for more ways to do things without actually doing them. Especially when I have to stand in line and wait to not do them. Sign me up! After a little research, I found information on other rides in the works by Disney:
Just Another Day at the Office
Full-price ticket holders will be ushered into small, self-contained cubicles called "Action Offices." Once strapped via thick belt of steel into an uncomfortable desk chair, they will be greeted by an overenthusiastic "manager" named Ted, whose real name is Eric, a 16-year-old summer employee who honestly just wants to go home already; his girlfriend's parents are out of town and his older brother Dan is letting him borrow the car, but only until 11 p.m. as as long as Eric doesn't "do anything" Dan "wouldn't do." Ted wears a polyester suit with tennis shoes and shows ticket holders how to stare soullessly at a nearby desk phone, which is from 1987 and rings incessantly. Action Offices are equipped with free Wi-Fi for patrons to check Gmail and Facebook status updates in between infrequent or nonexistent visits from Ted, who asks, "How are things going in here?"always walking away before ticket-holder can answer.
Length of ride: 8 hours
Los Angeles County Traffic Jam
Ticket-holders are ushered into Go-Kart like area where they have their choice of vehicles ranging from Now That's Just Unnecessary, What Does a Schlep Like Me Have to Do To Get a Beauty Like This, and This One Looks Like My Friend Steve's Car Actually. Once seated, riders delight in noting the lifelike smog emitting heavily from surrounding concrete barriers. Riders are not permitted to drive these vehicles, but are encouraged to honk their horns and call whomever they wish on their cell phones. Only one rider per car, please.
Length of ride: 2 1/2 hours
The Sum of All Lines
Patrons stand in half-mile long line whilst being occasionally shoved and mocked by sullen teenagers. Heat lamps surround the formation, as to simulate the feeling of waiting in a really hot line. Disney employees comprise a shorter line nearby, which moves much more rapidly in appearance of "going somewhere," but patrons are assured their line is the right line. At the end, patrons are given a second ticket and told to "go stand in that other line."
Length of ride: One hour
Chicago's Navy Pier
A reproduction.
Length of ride: Endless
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